How To Be Bulimic

by Jenn
(Lubbock, Texas)

How to be bulimic? Are you serious? I actually overheard a teenage girl asking her friend this question. I was totally shocked, angered, and concerned all at the same time.

I have been bulimic for more than 10 years of my life. Do you want tips on how to be bulimic? Don't start! I wish I had never started my binge and purge cycle that causes so many problems physically, emotionally, mentally, you name it.

I used it as a form of weight control so I would never need weight loss surgery. I ate tons of food purposely, the brought it back up almost immediately after. the last bite. Do you know how sick that makes you feel inside? Then after you bring up your insides you have to stand up and face yourself in the mirror before you leave the bathroom, because you don't want someone to see a piece of vomit in your hair or on your cheek and make a comment.

Now your stomach is empty, you feel empty on the inside as well, and within an hour you are physically hungry, stomach growling and all. So the food demon that just beat you up a few minutes ago has to be dealt with again in such a short time.

You don't have to do it every day, but sometimes you do. After too much repetition your gag reflex becomes dead. There were times I stooped over the toilet wretching, abusing my throat, hoping to force it to comply with my request, tears running down my face, and nothing. I could not throw up. Then what?

Then I turned to the laxatives. I would pop 4 or so and drink a big glass of water. Now I have to hope that the pills kick in when I am home and not in public. But wait, my stomach started cramping and hurting for hours before I actually released anything. Fun right?

My tooth enamel is transparent around the edges. I have cavities galore, and the worn down enamel makes my fillings so noticeable and horrible looking I hate it. And all of my years of abusing my body may be the reason I can't get pregnant now. Or maybe one day all of these changes will cause heart failure.

Many days I walked around hating myself for my lack of control and my willingness to not seek help. I thought anorexia was serious, not this. I don't have a problem with food, I just like the way it tastes too much. Never connecting the amounts of food I ate to whatever else was going on in my life at the time, that really made me reach for food for comfort.

I am seeing a therapist now to help me deal with my bulimia and depression. I pray to God no one tells that girl how to be bulimic. It is a serious eating disorder with strong roots that can take years to uproot, and by then the damage could be irreversible.